Wow, it been a while, if you are still following me you are”stayer” and I thank you

Where do I start.

Am I still in the same place? Have I moved forward at all?

I don’t know, that is my honest answer. I have had a lot thrown at me in this last year. I’ve lost both of my parents, I don’t even know if it’s fair on me to judge me for moving forward.

But I still feel stuck, still feel I have more to give, still feel I am struggling to move forward.

I think I need to give myself a little space and just be forgiving, I need to gather myself, my strengths, I will move forward, I am determined.

I so hope I can put a positive comment on here soon. But also, I hope my, I am not going to say failings, my not achieving because of other outside emotions, will help others to realise we are all human and we just need to go easy on ourselves.

Still trying to move forward… and I will.IMG_1474My dad, my hero, so strong in his love for my mum x

Gratitude….. Be thankful, we all can find something to be grateful for……

It’s not been going great, my new positive thinking,  making positive changes life!

As I lay in bed awake in the early hours this morning,  unable to sleep with thoughts of all the things I needed to do,  should do,  had to do,  didn’t want to do?  Didn’t have time to do, I made bit of a decision.

I am going to approach my employer and ask if I can work 4 days a week.

I took my very elderly parents out yesterday to meet other elderly family members. I listened as they talked,  “what have you been up to” they were asked.  “nothing,  we don’t go out anywhere anymore,  only food shopping once a week”  and it’s true.

Since my dad gave up driving a year ago they really do only go out of their mobile home once a week to go shopping,  either I take them on a Saturday or they get a taxi.

I just don’t have time with working and other family commitments.  And it’s not fair on them,  I need somehow to make the time.

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My wonderful dad soon to reach 90

I have two brothers,  they should share in their care now.  But they don’t.  My youngest brother inflicts hurt on them. I feel disgusted by his actions. Because my father would not apologise to him (there is absolutely no need for my dad to apologise but I won’t go into that on here)  he is going to change his name and they will never see their grandchildren again.  I cannot explain the anger I feel towards him for inflicting this upset on my parents who have helped him and bailed him out with money throughout his life. Now they should be cocooned as much as possible by their children. My dad is 90 this year and my mum has failing health. They won’t be around much longer.

I think you might be starting to understand why I didn’t sleep much and why I feel I have to give them more time.

My other older brother is caught up in his, and his new family’s life to bother.  He doesn’t even call them.

It is down to me.

Then I have my son who takes my time and and energy.

https://mothersnevergiveup.wordpress.com/

And tonight it’s early June and it’s raining.

Somewhere, somehow I have to find some positivity.

I don’t really have to look far.

Gratitude. I can find it in abundance tonight.

I am grateful that none of my family have been injured in the latest terrorist attacks.

I am grateful that my daughter is in Australia, yes I am, really! When she lived in London she worked in those very bars that were attacked yesterday in Borough Market. So yes, for once I am happy she is safe in Australia.

I am grateful I still have both my parents alive, a job, a home, food and water.

Both my sons are alive although one faces a fight every day, but today they are both here. So I am grateful.

I just need to manage this work time off ratio.

So that’s my latest plan,  let’s see if I can make this happen……

I can do it! I can write something positive

p1040566-2_liWell at last I can write something positive.  It’s not life changing but it’s a step,  a small one agreed,  but I can finally say I have put that foot forward into my future and taken a step.  And it happened at 7.30am this morning.

What have I done?  I have signed up for a CBT course. OK I said it wasn’t life changing but at 57 learning anything new will be a challenge. I can’t remember the last time I did anything that stretched me mentally.  I learn new things at work all the time,  but that is like a gentle learning.

This is going to be something totally new to me,  but something I have been interested in for some time.  To be honest I am doing it in the hope I can help a family member,  but at the end,  if I pass,I actually get a certificate and can practise it.  That means, I get to learn a skill that I can earn money by using it.  I don’t expect to earn a fortune,  but it could be the start of working for myself rather than someone else.

I have always been a people person,  people seem to be drawn to me when they have problems and want my advice.  I wonder if I have finally found my vocation?

Right let’s not run before I can walk.  I first need to start doing the hard work, finding the time in my already busy life to fit this in.  And then the real challenge, how much I can remember.

I’m hoping as it’s something I’m interested in I will pick it up OK.

So there you have it,  my first really positive blog 😀  After a week of negatives (my son is in hospital and so is his girlfriend) I am moving forward in 2017.

So maybe you can too?  Go on,  find a course you are interested in,  even if you think it might not be the most useful thing for moving your life forward.  If you are learning something new it will make you feel happier and more positive.  Believe me 😀

 

It’s not happened and it’s down to me, I have no excuses

IMG_0567Well my positive thoughts and plans for a better happier life have fallen flat.

I have failed. I have let myself down. Where did it go wrong.

Looking back over the time since new year and my so brave resolution that 2017 was going to be my year I have come to realise that I can blame no one but me.

I haven’t put me first, I can’t walk away from family commitments. My parents are elderly, becoming more dependent on me, I have two brothers, they should do their bit, but they don’t. I cannot “not” Why would I not? They gave me life, nurtured me, gave to me, supported me. How can I not help them now when they need support.

Work is again totally consuming my life. I went back to work with a new confident me, I saw the difference. But it didn’t take long for them to put me back where I belonged, or so it felt. Once I had lost my positivity I just decided to keep my mouth shut, just get on with my job and take their money (as a wage)

I have another thing that I blame, holds me back, takes my time and energy. Something that I don’t want to talk about on here, but I have another blog that I will put a link to later that will explain.

So there you go, all these reasons and excuses as to why my life hasn’t gone forward in the way I planned.

But they are excuses. If I want this to happen I have to put in the effort, find my confidence again, somehow find the energy.

I need to look at other avenues, other ways to earn my money.

The thing is I know I have it in me. I just have to find my way, the way.

It’s  just so so difficult finding the time. 4 weeks holiday a year is just not enough……more reason to make changes, make things happen.

So I may be down but I’m not out. I still have fight in me, I can make this happen.

Stick with me. Hey and a bit of positive feedback would be amazing 😉

 https://mothersnevergiveup.wordpress.com/

So what are you going to do in 2017?

Well this is what I started to write in the first few new days of 2017. Time overtook me and i didn’t publish it.

It’s that time of year isn’t it when we start to look back on the events of the last year and think about what changes we are going to make in the brand new sparkling year we are just entering.

Perfect time for me to really start to commit to change.

If I look back over the last year I can’t see any changes for the positive. My parents are still here (thank you thank you , much gratitude) but another year older and less independent.

Work is pretty much the same, in fact if I really think about it it is worse. I have been promised there will be change in 2017, but that is trusting others to make change and I don’t think it will happen. If there is to be real change it must come from me.

What have I achieved at home?  Not much, not what I wanted. The extension or conservatory or at very least new kitchen hasn’t happened. The best I think was new stair carpet. Is that really all I have achieved in my home this year?

i did upgrade the car, that was a necessity as the old one became unrepairable. So do I only achieve when I am forced to?

The family? Not much has changed, one son still living at home, can’t see that changing anytime soon. It looks like my daughter is planning on making her trip to Australia into a permanent trip. I have to be happy for her, I’m sure the lifestyle she will lead out there will be so much better than in the UK. (How can it not be, hate the cold and dark winters here). And then there is my son who just does not progress in life, he has too many deamons he is fighting.

So when I look back over 2016 I can’t see much to be patting my back  for and saying well done you!

Ok back to today 13/01/2017

Wow how a few days can change things….

My beloved daughter is due to arrive in the UK tomorrow from Australia. I can’t express how happy I will be to just see her.

I so so very nearly gave up on my son. I thank my motherly instincts that I didn’t, and because of that he is now and hopefully , I am forever hopeful, here with us.

That has thrown work problems into perspective.

But, I still haven’t progressed with “my plans” nothing has changed, the days have gone by.

But, my positivity is returning. Spring will soon be here. (Positive thoughts) I will find the time for me and my life plans. This will happen. This is my promise to myself.

 

If you have had a not so Very Merry Xmas, you are not alone

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It’s a time when everyone is expected to have a wonderful day full of wonderful memory making family moments, filled with joy and laughter.

When in reality it’s a painful isolating time for many many people.

If you are one of the lucky few who have shared this time in the warmth and joy of family and friends then I really hope you count your blessings.

If you are not, let it go, it is only a day and you are not alone. For whatever reason there are many many people who are not able to celebrate this time as we think we are expected to.

I have dear friend who lost her only son this year, I can’t begin to imagine the pain she must be feeling at this special time. She will not be alone, this will be the first Christmas without a loved one for many people.

I have another family friend who is on her own this Christmas with her young son. Her family are on the other side of the world and I know they miss each other dreadfully.

I myself have had to deal with Christmas Day, just deal with it. I knew it wouldn’t be great, I have a son who is sick, I won’t go into more detail, but so he would be with us and not alone he came to stay for just two nights. But I spent those two days and nights worrying and nursing him like he was a baby again. I was glad today when he went home and the pressure was off me. I just wanted the day to end as quickly as possible, it was definitely not a day of celebration.

But I tried to be positive, thinking of the things I needed to be grateful helped.

I was not homeless as I know many are, I was warm and I had food. I had a small family around me. I recieved gifts and I had given gifts. So it was not the perfect day but I survived it.

Reading the quote above helped me. I hope it helps you if you are struggling.

It won’t be long before this season to be jolly is over and normality, whatever that is returns. Don’t be disheartened, next year could be better. But if it’s not, you survived it this year and you will again. Reach out to others in similar situations, and ALWAYS find something to be grateful for.