SELF BELIEF – My time to start doing not dreaming

Wow, it been a while, if you are still following me you are”stayer” and I thank you

Where do I start.

Am I still in the same place? Have I moved forward at all?

I don’t know, that is my honest answer. I have had a lot thrown at me in this last year. I’ve lost both of my parents, I don’t even know if it’s fair on me to judge me for moving forward.

But I still feel stuck, still feel I have more to give, still feel I am struggling to move forward.

I think I need to give myself a little space and just be forgiving, I need to gather myself, my strengths, I will move forward, I am determined.

I so hope I can put a positive comment on here soon. But also, I hope my, I am not going to say failings, my not achieving because of other outside emotions, will help others to realise we are all human and we just need to go easy on ourselves.

Still trying to move forward… and I will.My dad, my hero, so strong in his love for my mum x

I can do it! I can write something positive

p1040566-2_li Well at last I can write something positive. It’s not life changing but it’s a step, a small one agreed, but I can finally say I have put that foot forward into my future and taken a step. And it happened at 7.30am this morning.

What have I done? I have signed up for a CBT course. OK I said it wasn’t life changing but at 57 learning anything new will be a challenge. I can’t remember the last time I did anything that stretched me mentally. I learn new things at work all the time, but that is like a gentle learning.

This is going to be something totally new to me, but something I have been interested in for some time. To be honest I am doing it in the hope I can help a family member, but at the end, if I pass,I actually get a certificate and can practise it. That means, I get to learn a skill that I can earn money by using it. I don’t expect to earn a fortune, but it could be the start of working for myself rather than someone else.

I have always been a people person, people seem to be drawn to me when they have problems and want my advice. I wonder if I have finally found my vocation?

Right let’s not run before I can walk. I first need to start doing the hard work, finding the time in my already busy life to fit this in. And then the real challenge, how much I can remember.

I’m hoping as it’s something I’m interested in I will pick it up OK.

So there you have it, my first really positive blog 😀 After a week of negatives (my son is in hospital and so is his girlfriend) I am moving forward in 2017.

So maybe you can too? Go on, find a course you are interested in, even if you think it might not be the most useful thing for moving your life forward. If you are learning something new it will make you feel happier and more positive. Believe me 😀

So what are you going to do in 2017?

Well this is what I started to write in the first few new days of 2017. Time overtook me and i didn’t publish it.

It’s that time of year isn’t it when we start to look back on the events of the last year and think about what changes we are going to make in the brand new sparkling year we are just entering.

Perfect time for me to really start to commit to change.

If I look back over the last year I can’t see any changes for the positive. My parents are still here (thank you thank you , much gratitude) but another year older and less independent.

Work is pretty much the same, in fact if I really think about it it is worse. I have been promised there will be change in 2017, but that is trusting others to make change and I don’t think it will happen. If there is to be real change it must come from me.

What have I achieved at home? Not much, not what I wanted. The extension or conservatory or at very least new kitchen hasn’t happened. The best I think was new stair carpet. Is that really all I have achieved in my home this year?

i did upgrade the car, that was a necessity as the old one became unrepairable. So do I only achieve when I am forced to?

The family? Not much has changed, one son still living at home, can’t see that changing anytime soon. It looks like my daughter is planning on making her trip to Australia into a permanent trip. I have to be happy for her, I’m sure the lifestyle she will lead out there will be so much better than in the UK. (How can it not be, hate the cold and dark winters here). And then there is my son who just does not progress in life, he has too many deamons he is fighting.

So when I look back over 2016 I can’t see much to be patting my back for and saying well done you!

Ok back to today 13/01/2017

Wow how a few days can change things….

My beloved daughter is due to arrive in the UK tomorrow from Australia. I can’t express how happy I will be to just see her.

I so so very nearly gave up on my son. I thank my motherly instincts that I didn’t, and because of that he is now and hopefully , I am forever hopeful, here with us.

That has thrown work problems into perspective.

But, I still haven’t progressed with “my plans” nothing has changed, the days have gone by.

But, my positivity is returning. Spring will soon be here. (Positive thoughts) I will find the time for me and my life plans. This will happen. This is my promise to myself.

If you have had a not so Very Merry Xmas, you are not alone

It’s a time when everyone is expected to have a wonderful day full of wonderful memory making family moments, filled with joy and laughter.

When in reality it’s a painful isolating time for many many people.

If you are one of the lucky few who have shared this time in the warmth and joy of family and friends then I really hope you count your blessings.

If you are not, let it go, it is only a day and you are not alone. For whatever reason there are many many people who are not able to celebrate this time as we think we are expected to.

I have dear friend who lost her only son this year, I can’t begin to imagine the pain she must be feeling at this special time. She will not be alone, this will be the first Christmas without a loved one for many people.

I have another family friend who is on her own this Christmas with her young son. Her family are on the other side of the world and I know they miss each other dreadfully.

I myself have had to deal with Christmas Day, just deal with it. I knew it wouldn’t be great, I have a son who is sick, I won’t go into more detail, but so he would be with us and not alone he came to stay for just two nights. But I spent those two days and nights worrying and nursing him like he was a baby again. I was glad today when he went home and the pressure was off me. I just wanted the day to end as quickly as possible, it was definitely not a day of celebration.

But I tried to be positive, thinking of the things I needed to be grateful helped.

I was not homeless as I know many are, I was warm and I had food. I had a small family around me. I recieved gifts and I had given gifts. So it was not the perfect day but I survived it.

Reading the quote above helped me. I hope it helps you if you are struggling.

It won’t be long before this season to be jolly is over and normality, whatever that is returns. Don’t be disheartened, next year could be better. But if it’s not, you survived it this year and you will again. Reach out to others in similar situations, and ALWAYS find something to be grateful for.

How lucky am I?

It’s good to strive and want for more in your life.

But at the same time you need to be thankful for what you already have in your life.

Still feeling weak and drained from this flu, today I had the chance to just sit in the warmth (it really was warm in the sun but sheltered from the wind) of the sun looking at the beautiful Bournemouth beach.

I could feel the sun and the beauty of the moment healing my soul.

So today I am thankful to be able to sit in this beautiful part of the world and just enjoy being here.

How lucky am I.

Time for change

Why am I sat here writing this blog?

Because “Today is the first day of the rest of my life” Well in truth 25/10/2016 was.

That was the day I decided that I had spent far too long dreaming about what I could do to improve my life. It was time to start DOING something about it. But I’m still not sure how I am going to do it, the difference is I know I CAN do it. To what level I can improve it I also don’t know, but this will be the story of my journey.

Why am I sat here writing this blog?

Because “Today is the first day of the rest of my life” Well in truth 25/10/2016 was.

So maybe I should tell you just a little about me.

I am a divorced mum to three grown up children. I work at a 9 to 5 job in an office with 4 weeks holiday a year. 4 weeks? 4 weeks every year where I get to do what I want to do. 4 weeks when I am not tied to getting up at a certain time to go and spend 8 hours making money for my boss and leaving only when that clock on the wall says I can.

4 weeks mmmm, and out of that 4 weeks there are the days when you “have” to do the things you have to do rather than what you want to do. The friend’s wedding that is on a week day. Not that I wouldn’t want to go to your wedding dear friend but did it have to be on a week day? That means I have to use one of my precious holiday days. (Note to anyone reading this that is planning a wedding, think of your working friends before choosing a mid-week day) Sorry I know it’s cheaper to get married mid week.. Then my dear mum needs taking to hospital for an operation and of course I will take her and be there for her, but there we go that’s another of my precious holiday days gone.

So I’ve been wondering for a long time why some people seem to be the “lucky ones”

You know what I mean, the people you don’t necessarily know but you see, driving that nice car, sitting on their balcony’s in their lovely houses. People who don’t seem to need to work but still have fabulous holidays and clothes. And have you noticed how they are surrounded by friends who seem to be “lucky people” also.

And I’ve been wondering and feeling bitter about why that isn’t me ? I have worked hard, harder probably than them.Worked while bringing up 3 children and supporting my then husband to build a business from scratch, and it was hard, very hard at times. I’ve picked myself up after getting divorced after 25 years of marriage. I have started again with a mortgage that will take me until retirement to repay to build a home for myself and my family.

I’ve asked myself so many times are they just better people than me? But I have always known that no they are not better than me, just born lucky I guess….Or so I thought….

I have come up with so many ideas of how I could improve my life, add some wealth to my humble bank account. But they were only ideas and nothing that would really give me what I want.

What do I want? I don’t think I am being greedy in wanting to wake up, sit on my balcony (a balcony like those “lucky”people have in a big house would be good) but just a small balcony that looks out on the sea and is in the warm sun will do fine. And then the thing I want even more than that? To not have to get in my car and drive to work for someone else. I don’t mind still working, I think it’s good for the brain, but to work in my time, when I want and for me to get the rewards.

Until 25/10/2016 I didn’t know what I wanted I just knew I wanted and deserved more.

So what happened on that day? I met someone who talked the same talk as me, understood that I wanted more but didn’t know how to achieve it. And they told me that I could achieve it if I wanted it enough. I think it was the first time someone had really believed in me and told me I could achieve my dreams.

They also told me “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”

So, that is why I am here writing this blog. One of the things they suggested I do is reach out to like-minded people. And here I am, if your reading this I guess you might be feeling the same as me?

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, But I do know I feel more positive about it.

Next time I will tell you how things have started to change already. Only small changes, but changes for the better.

Wishing you all a better happier tomorrow.