Positivity – My time to start doing not dreaming

Wow, it been a while, if you are still following me you are”stayer” and I thank you

Where do I start.

Am I still in the same place? Have I moved forward at all?

I don’t know, that is my honest answer. I have had a lot thrown at me in this last year. I’ve lost both of my parents, I don’t even know if it’s fair on me to judge me for moving forward.

But I still feel stuck, still feel I have more to give, still feel I am struggling to move forward.

I think I need to give myself a little space and just be forgiving, I need to gather myself, my strengths, I will move forward, I am determined.

I so hope I can put a positive comment on here soon. But also, I hope my, I am not going to say failings, my not achieving because of other outside emotions, will help others to realise we are all human and we just need to go easy on ourselves.

Still trying to move forward… and I will.My dad, my hero, so strong in his love for my mum x

Gratitude….. Be thankful, we all can find something to be grateful for……

It’s not been going great, my new positive thinking, making positive changes life!

As I lay in bed awake in the early hours this morning, unable to sleep with thoughts of all the things I needed to do, should do, had to do, didn’t want to do? Didn’t have time to do, I made bit of a decision.

I am going to approach my employer and ask if I can work 4 days a week.

I took my very elderly parents out yesterday to meet other elderly family members. I listened as they talked, “what have you been up to” they were asked. “nothing, we don’t go out anywhere anymore, only food shopping once a week” and it’s true.

Since my dad gave up driving a year ago they really do only go out of their mobile home once a week to go shopping, either I take them on a Saturday or they get a taxi.

I just don’t have time with working and other family commitments. And it’s not fair on them, I need somehow to make the time.

My wonderful dad soon to reach 90

I have two brothers, they should share in their care now. But they don’t. My youngest brother inflicts hurt on them. I feel disgusted by his actions. Because my father would not apologise to him (there is absolutely no need for my dad to apologise but I won’t go into that on here) he is going to change his name and they will never see their grandchildren again. I cannot explain the anger I feel towards him for inflicting this upset on my parents who have helped him and bailed him out with money throughout his life. Now they should be cocooned as much as possible by their children. My dad is 90 this year and my mum has failing health. They won’t be around much longer.

I think you might be starting to understand why I didn’t sleep much and why I feel I have to give them more time.

My other older brother is caught up in his, and his new family’s life to bother. He doesn’t even call them.

It is down to me.

Then I have my son who takes my time and and energy.

https://mothersnevergiveup.wordpress.com/

And tonight it’s early June and it’s raining.

Somewhere, somehow I have to find some positivity.

I don’t really have to look far.

Gratitude. I can find it in abundance tonight.

I am grateful that none of my family have been injured in the latest terrorist attacks.

I am grateful that my daughter is in Australia, yes I am, really! When she lived in London she worked in those very bars that were attacked yesterday in Borough Market. So yes, for once I am happy she is safe in Australia.

I am grateful I still have both my parents alive, a job, a home, food and water.

Both my sons are alive although one faces a fight every day, but today they are both here. So I am grateful.

I just need to manage this work time off ratio.

So that’s my latest plan, let’s see if I can make this happen……

I can do it! I can write something positive

p1040566-2_li Well at last I can write something positive. It’s not life changing but it’s a step, a small one agreed, but I can finally say I have put that foot forward into my future and taken a step. And it happened at 7.30am this morning.

What have I done? I have signed up for a CBT course. OK I said it wasn’t life changing but at 57 learning anything new will be a challenge. I can’t remember the last time I did anything that stretched me mentally. I learn new things at work all the time, but that is like a gentle learning.

This is going to be something totally new to me, but something I have been interested in for some time. To be honest I am doing it in the hope I can help a family member, but at the end, if I pass,I actually get a certificate and can practise it. That means, I get to learn a skill that I can earn money by using it. I don’t expect to earn a fortune, but it could be the start of working for myself rather than someone else.

I have always been a people person, people seem to be drawn to me when they have problems and want my advice. I wonder if I have finally found my vocation?

Right let’s not run before I can walk. I first need to start doing the hard work, finding the time in my already busy life to fit this in. And then the real challenge, how much I can remember.

I’m hoping as it’s something I’m interested in I will pick it up OK.

So there you have it, my first really positive blog 😀 After a week of negatives (my son is in hospital and so is his girlfriend) I am moving forward in 2017.

So maybe you can too? Go on, find a course you are interested in, even if you think it might not be the most useful thing for moving your life forward. If you are learning something new it will make you feel happier and more positive. Believe me 😀

So what are you going to do in 2017?

Well this is what I started to write in the first few new days of 2017. Time overtook me and i didn’t publish it.

It’s that time of year isn’t it when we start to look back on the events of the last year and think about what changes we are going to make in the brand new sparkling year we are just entering.

Perfect time for me to really start to commit to change.

If I look back over the last year I can’t see any changes for the positive. My parents are still here (thank you thank you , much gratitude) but another year older and less independent.

Work is pretty much the same, in fact if I really think about it it is worse. I have been promised there will be change in 2017, but that is trusting others to make change and I don’t think it will happen. If there is to be real change it must come from me.

What have I achieved at home? Not much, not what I wanted. The extension or conservatory or at very least new kitchen hasn’t happened. The best I think was new stair carpet. Is that really all I have achieved in my home this year?

i did upgrade the car, that was a necessity as the old one became unrepairable. So do I only achieve when I am forced to?

The family? Not much has changed, one son still living at home, can’t see that changing anytime soon. It looks like my daughter is planning on making her trip to Australia into a permanent trip. I have to be happy for her, I’m sure the lifestyle she will lead out there will be so much better than in the UK. (How can it not be, hate the cold and dark winters here). And then there is my son who just does not progress in life, he has too many deamons he is fighting.

So when I look back over 2016 I can’t see much to be patting my back for and saying well done you!

Ok back to today 13/01/2017

Wow how a few days can change things….

My beloved daughter is due to arrive in the UK tomorrow from Australia. I can’t express how happy I will be to just see her.

I so so very nearly gave up on my son. I thank my motherly instincts that I didn’t, and because of that he is now and hopefully , I am forever hopeful, here with us.

That has thrown work problems into perspective.

But, I still haven’t progressed with “my plans” nothing has changed, the days have gone by.

But, my positivity is returning. Spring will soon be here. (Positive thoughts) I will find the time for me and my life plans. This will happen. This is my promise to myself.

If you have had a not so Very Merry Xmas, you are not alone

It’s a time when everyone is expected to have a wonderful day full of wonderful memory making family moments, filled with joy and laughter.

When in reality it’s a painful isolating time for many many people.

If you are one of the lucky few who have shared this time in the warmth and joy of family and friends then I really hope you count your blessings.

If you are not, let it go, it is only a day and you are not alone. For whatever reason there are many many people who are not able to celebrate this time as we think we are expected to.

I have dear friend who lost her only son this year, I can’t begin to imagine the pain she must be feeling at this special time. She will not be alone, this will be the first Christmas without a loved one for many people.

I have another family friend who is on her own this Christmas with her young son. Her family are on the other side of the world and I know they miss each other dreadfully.

I myself have had to deal with Christmas Day, just deal with it. I knew it wouldn’t be great, I have a son who is sick, I won’t go into more detail, but so he would be with us and not alone he came to stay for just two nights. But I spent those two days and nights worrying and nursing him like he was a baby again. I was glad today when he went home and the pressure was off me. I just wanted the day to end as quickly as possible, it was definitely not a day of celebration.

But I tried to be positive, thinking of the things I needed to be grateful helped.

I was not homeless as I know many are, I was warm and I had food. I had a small family around me. I recieved gifts and I had given gifts. So it was not the perfect day but I survived it.

Reading the quote above helped me. I hope it helps you if you are struggling.

It won’t be long before this season to be jolly is over and normality, whatever that is returns. Don’t be disheartened, next year could be better. But if it’s not, you survived it this year and you will again. Reach out to others in similar situations, and ALWAYS find something to be grateful for.

Slow progress or Lento avance

p1000239 I am still struggling with illness, and lack of enthusiasm and time due to “The most wonderful time of the year”

But enough is enough, kick ass time, get out that list of gratitude and add to it.

That was what I needed, l pushed myself to go to my belly dancing class and as soon as I walked in I saw a lady whom I knew came from Spain.

One of my plans is to live in Spain for 6 months of the year. So I’ve decided learning to speak Spanish would be a really good idea. So I jumped in and after the usual “Hi how are You’s” I asked her if she would teach me a phrase in Spanish each week. She was more than happy to and started me off with “Beuno dias” “Beuno notchas” and “Beuno tardis” (please forgive my spelling. I’m learning to speak Spanish not write it yet)

Armed with my newly learned Spanish greeting and smiling profusely I welcomed my work colleague into the class, well, how shocked was I when she replied to me in Spanish!

It’s amazing how the power of attraction works.

Now at work we are all greeting each other in Spanish which is great for me as retaining these Spanish words is difficult, I need to keep speaking them.It has brought with it much laughter and has lifted me again.

I’ve had no time for writing on here or learning the new skills I need to learn to move my life forward…….. But “hey, I’ve just contradicted myself” Here I am writing my blog about a new skill I am learning.

So illness has slowed my progress, but there is progress.

I have also been following https://mbawantrepreneur.com/

Reading his last post I know I need to reach out to more believers, so that is on my list of”To Do’s” over Xmas.

My Promise to you……

I did promise to share the bad times as well as the good. Unfortunately after picking up flu on my way back from New York I have felt too ill to do anything. Really hard to keep the positive thoughts going when you’re laying in bed with a fever.

But….. I am a cup half full sort of person , now I am starting to feel better but still not well enough for work, I can sit and work on my blog. Hence the New York page.

I just need to get the brain believing again that I can change things and focus on what I want. I know as each day I feel better this will happen.

I have also had time to have a look at apartments for sale in Spain, my dream for at least 6 months of the year. Now I can picture my new home and make it feel real.

So the flu, first time i have had it since I was a child, has set me back a little in my positive thinking but at the same time given me some much-needed time to get this blog up and running.

Next blog will be POSITIVE p1040566-2_li

Time for change

Why am I sat here writing this blog?

Because “Today is the first day of the rest of my life” Well in truth 25/10/2016 was.

That was the day I decided that I had spent far too long dreaming about what I could do to improve my life. It was time to start DOING something about it. But I’m still not sure how I am going to do it, the difference is I know I CAN do it. To what level I can improve it I also don’t know, but this will be the story of my journey.

Why am I sat here writing this blog?

Because “Today is the first day of the rest of my life” Well in truth 25/10/2016 was.

So maybe I should tell you just a little about me.

I am a divorced mum to three grown up children. I work at a 9 to 5 job in an office with 4 weeks holiday a year. 4 weeks? 4 weeks every year where I get to do what I want to do. 4 weeks when I am not tied to getting up at a certain time to go and spend 8 hours making money for my boss and leaving only when that clock on the wall says I can.

4 weeks mmmm, and out of that 4 weeks there are the days when you “have” to do the things you have to do rather than what you want to do. The friend’s wedding that is on a week day. Not that I wouldn’t want to go to your wedding dear friend but did it have to be on a week day? That means I have to use one of my precious holiday days. (Note to anyone reading this that is planning a wedding, think of your working friends before choosing a mid-week day) Sorry I know it’s cheaper to get married mid week.. Then my dear mum needs taking to hospital for an operation and of course I will take her and be there for her, but there we go that’s another of my precious holiday days gone.

So I’ve been wondering for a long time why some people seem to be the “lucky ones”

You know what I mean, the people you don’t necessarily know but you see, driving that nice car, sitting on their balcony’s in their lovely houses. People who don’t seem to need to work but still have fabulous holidays and clothes. And have you noticed how they are surrounded by friends who seem to be “lucky people” also.

And I’ve been wondering and feeling bitter about why that isn’t me ? I have worked hard, harder probably than them.Worked while bringing up 3 children and supporting my then husband to build a business from scratch, and it was hard, very hard at times. I’ve picked myself up after getting divorced after 25 years of marriage. I have started again with a mortgage that will take me until retirement to repay to build a home for myself and my family.

I’ve asked myself so many times are they just better people than me? But I have always known that no they are not better than me, just born lucky I guess….Or so I thought….

I have come up with so many ideas of how I could improve my life, add some wealth to my humble bank account. But they were only ideas and nothing that would really give me what I want.

What do I want? I don’t think I am being greedy in wanting to wake up, sit on my balcony (a balcony like those “lucky”people have in a big house would be good) but just a small balcony that looks out on the sea and is in the warm sun will do fine. And then the thing I want even more than that? To not have to get in my car and drive to work for someone else. I don’t mind still working, I think it’s good for the brain, but to work in my time, when I want and for me to get the rewards.

Until 25/10/2016 I didn’t know what I wanted I just knew I wanted and deserved more.

So what happened on that day? I met someone who talked the same talk as me, understood that I wanted more but didn’t know how to achieve it. And they told me that I could achieve it if I wanted it enough. I think it was the first time someone had really believed in me and told me I could achieve my dreams.

They also told me “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”

So, that is why I am here writing this blog. One of the things they suggested I do is reach out to like-minded people. And here I am, if your reading this I guess you might be feeling the same as me?

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, But I do know I feel more positive about it.

Next time I will tell you how things have started to change already. Only small changes, but changes for the better.

Wishing you all a better happier tomorrow.